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I should have just slept. I should have just let my brother use my laptop… I should.. have… just pressed a different anime… I am suffering mild depression due to an anime I just finished about 20 minutes ago.

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I was engrossed for 5 hours… watching these characters… laughing and crying and being anxious with them. I developed an infatuation to Koizumi George and a matter of minutes and Miwako was so adorable…. but something happened in the end that I was not expecting nor was I even ready for it…

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The characters parted ways and Caroline and George did not live happily ever after… These two things I hate most–parting and lovers not ending up together even when they were obviously made for one another–and we all know that all those times they were miserable without one another. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! How the fuck am I going to sleep now, huh? huh? It’s 4 a.m… I have to get up by 6 a.m. and be in Doheny by 8 so I can be at Chalon by 9. Fuck this shit!!!!

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I should have been sleeping like a good girl but what did I do? I stayed up way past my bedtime and I end up having my heart broken. That’s what happens when you… well… whatever… Shit.

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If you think I am silly, I won’t blame you. But still. You see, these characters are real to me. They turn into one of my friends as I start reading or watching them. I become a part of their world as they do in mine. George’s eyes showed such love, passion, loneliness, and I don’t have a name for it look! I am terribly crushed at the moment. I literally turned off all the lights in my room even though I am scared shit of the dark (Natre the ghost!), lay in bed, and I was dying to erase all the things that I just saw. The laughs, antics, and romance was all misleading. AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to scream and kick and fuck somebody at the moment just so I can relieve the tension. Well, actually, the scream and kick would do just fine. Unless your name is George, have blue hair, at least 175 cm. tall, and living in a 2-dimensional space, then there is no way in hell you can fuck me.

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Frustration… I wonder how it feels to be in their world. If only I can enter that screen and meet them… What the fuck are those Japanese engineers doing? Start making that technology now! Read my blog–these are golden ideas. Write it down, kiddos.

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Sorry, scatter brain moment. Liek always. Bye.

I went to the 7-11 Ministry Day and I had a good time. I met these awesome women who are also discerning a vocation to the religious life. Erm, hello Francesca, Lulu, and Elizabeth! We went to visit the Dominicans in Hollywood so there. If there is one thing that I learned there, it’s this… It’s not about giving enough or being talented enough… it’s about asking yourself if you’re loving enough. Which brings me to my next point, which is…

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I take back what I said about stopping loving people. One, I felt empty and I am giving so much effort of ignoring the tug in my heart whenever someone messages me–holding myself back from giving them my usual warm responses. It is mighty exhausting–and it has only been a couple of days. I realized that I am very blessed to have the ability to be aware of my surroundings and have a choice in how I will react to what I have around me… which brings me to another point…

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I guess this is kind of the opposite of what I said before, and being the fickle person that I am, I think it is best if you encourage this in me… I think that I will love "again" regardless of what I get in return. It doesn’t matter how people react to my love–whether they take it for granted or not, as long as I have my love felt by the people around me. I take back what I said. I am sorry. My friends, please take me back!

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Evidence: I talked to one of my male best friends last night and I wanted to give him the cold shoulder (a stupid idea I got when I was trying to project that ‘cold’ image) but instead I found myself very concerned just like always. Anyways, he’s one of the few people that I got really, really close with and I love him to death. A wonderful person all around–Hello Baron! Hahaha! Heeey… you’re blushing! Ha!

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On to other things… my application for re-admission to University of San Francisco has been approved. I am accepted for Fall 2006. I feel happy, bothered, worried, elated, and confused all at the same time. I guess I have always wanted this but my fear of being away from my family and the huge debt that I will incur never died down… and probably never will until I try it out myself. Well, I made a decision that I guess will be the best: If, after this semester at The Mount, and I like it, I will stay here in L.A. and continue my studies at MSMC. If not, I will pack up my bags and yoohoo SFO!  Not liking USF might be the worst thing that could happen to me but then again, at least this time it will be my decision. Suck it up you fickle, indecisive, coward of a woman! Disgrace to ’strength I call woman…’

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I am tired. But I have a million things I have to do for my classes. I cannot believe I have this much work. I am behind but I need to do well. Don’t we all?

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Live your life according to God… Let Him guide you. His way is the path to happiness–true happiness. 100% Guaranteed and I back it up with my own life, and His too. I love you all. Thanks. God bless.

I am a co-dependent psycho. I admit it. I can not live without other people. Living with other people means being loved but it also means getting hurt. But what if you get hurt so much, and yet you know you need these people, that you can not tell whether you are already numb or just a plain masochist. Am I person who genuinely serve other people out of love and concern or am I just a filthy parasite, only worse? I pretend I care but in  reality I give but expecting something in return. Guess I am the latter.

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I fail and disappoint people all the time, but they do the same to me. I am plain tired of people hurting me. They toss me aside as if I was just there for fun company and when they want to seek good and meaningful friendships, they overlook me.

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I think I have had enough. I will keep on smiling but I would not feel anymore. I shall be the same except I will not be attached. Friends… I don’t have any. They have forgotten me, I think it’s my turn to forget now. I reached out, no one was there. You knew I can not be by myself and yet you left me. Alone. You knew. Was it for my own sake or you just grew tired?

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It’s time for me to get a life now. I guess Makoto made a lot of sense… if you lived alone, you cannot hurt anyone nor will you get hurt. No one can hurt my heart now. Not anymore.

School is fine. School is okay. I’m happy. I’m happy. Look forward. Look forward. Urrr… At least that’s what I forcibly tell myself everyday. I am bored out of my skull and yet I am excited of the things to come. Second week of school have just started so I know there’s alot of things I can do… but still… For some reason I can’t hate the school nor the people in it… there’s just this atmosphere in that place that calms my bitchy attitude. Oh well. But I don’t think that atmosphere was able to stop me from crushing on that girl… Ahahaha… Les-bees on the move. You gotta stop me!

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Anyway, I submitted my re-application for USF… They told me Spring admitted students cannot defer to Fall… so here I am. Yes, another $55 down the drain. Where the helluva do I get the money?

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Oh yeah, I adopted a new nick too… due to the fact that 96% of the people who asked my name had to ask me what my name is again when we’re exchanging it in a conversation…

Katherine: What’s your name?

Stranger: Oh, it’s Leslie. Yours?

Katherine: It’s Katherine (simultaneously, sound waves are bent so the end result is…)

Stranger (a.k.a. Leslie): What’s that again?

Katherine: Katherine. Grrr..

Stranger Leslie: Oh Karen, Nice to meet you.

Katherine: It’s Katherine, you bitch. Never mind, just call me Kid.

Stranger Leslie: Oh, ok.

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The latter episode happens at least once day. Guaranteed.

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And so commences my journey as "Kid" in the new world called ‘The Mount’ or more commonly known as a women’s college. I also think that such a short but catchy name would help me make people remember my name when I run for student body officer in Fall (that is, if I stay there but then again it won’t matter because I’d run office wherever I am anyways)…

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I’m almost 21 and I’m not even done with my school. This is what you get when you love vacations so much…

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Bye. Much hugs from me…

Ahahahaha! Manny Pacquiao won! Woohoohoo! Filipino pride! Shake hands and big hugs all around! Filipino pride is overflowing… Oh yeah… kudos to the Flip athletes in the Sea Games… especially to my good friend Ajjie! Much love!

I think I may have been too harsh when I talked about my current obsession in my last post. I want to take it back but then again I won’t. It is all true after all… but in the end, I know that I am most pitiful because I seriously need to get a life outside the miserable box I am in. Saying this in defense of that guy makes me feel weird. Saying this in defense of myself is pretty obvious. My random thoughts are much scattered nowadays since I am horribly sick–colds, allergies, and mild asthma attack… but I found that unless I say the latter things then I would be kept awake longer at night because of the guilt and butterflies in my stomach. Okay, my conscience is clear. Bye now.

After much thought, I realized that I do not love him… not even have a crush… I fall somewhere in the middle. The title is also a tad inappropriate since I am not entirely infatuated with him either. I think it’s more of a strong inclination due to my competitive nature–I always like to challenge things that seem unattainable. I purposely fly under the radar, carefully observing all opportunities, and in the end, I pick the hardest and most interesting challenge–then BAM! I nail it. That’s where all the glory and praises come in…

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As for this person, I know I am attracted to him because we cannot be together. Honestly, I don’t want to get together him and the thought of us being intimate actually gives me goosebumps–the icky kind. Well, technically we can be together, but we cannot in context of everything else. Oh well. But he is the challenge of the hour, right? I think I’ll obsess over him for now and move on to greener pastures later. For now…

Sorry for not posting for a while… Anyway, since I have no one else to talk about, I’m gonna talk about me more. Let’s get started, shall we?

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I will be attending a lovely women’s college called Mount Saint Mary’s College this Spring. No it is not in San Francisco, nor it in nearby Oakland or Belmont… Nope, it’s not even in Northern California… want to know where? count 15 miles from 90019. Heehee. Yup, I’ll be going to a Los Angeles based college and I am here to stay ladies and gentlemen. I never expected to stay here in L.A. (or at home for that matter) and I certainly did not expect to go to a women’s college as I had a terrible experience with such a place back in my grammar school days (Our Lady of Grace Academy, anyone? –It’s called St. Mary’s Academy Caloocan now by the way). However, the idea of staying with my family (especially my baby sister), staying in familiar territory (I heart L.A.!), saving money (Read: Dorm supplies, Dorm Rent, Extras), and a college nestled up in the Brentwood mountains by the Getty Museum with a view of the Pacific Ocean sorta grew on me. And I started liking it very much.

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It’s not such a bad thing. For starters, the idea of being surrounded by beautiful women aroused my bisexual urges once again. I am partially kidding. Since I turn into a cretin around men, I figured that I would be completely comfortable in that all-women college and I will get a chance to once again build my much-crushed self confidence… Plus, I will most likely be the most masculine behaving female back there–EEP!! Wait! I guess I’m wrong on that one… I forgot all about the all-out lesbians and feminists! Haha!! But no worries. Heehaw.

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I am all fired up with going there and in only 2 more weeks… I cleaned my room and cleared up some serious wall space… why you ask? For awards, medals, and trophies of course! I made a firm resolution that I will be the  best student that place have ever seen (Uh, Hilary Clinton went there… and so did the first woman neurosurgeon in the US… I got myself in a tight spot, huh?!). I will study like hell, run for student council office, join a sorority, go to mass everyday, borrow all the books I am allowed from the library and use the swimming pool! Heck, for $11K per semester, I sure as hell will get my money’s worth. I even considered committing Hara-kiri if I get a single B from now on… too much, you think?!

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Oh, it’s 11 p.m. and I dead exhausted from cleaning my room… I almost forgot, my folks got me a new Ikea bookshelf because I ran our of shelf space a long time ago. I didn’t know I was such a book hog. So this will be my post for today and I will try to post more often. Ciao beautiful people!