猫 Superstar

Ni hao! What’s up? What’s up?

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A couple of updates for the curious and fans alike…

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1. I did a million things today and I am very pleased with the productivity and efficiency that I employed today.

2. I already handed in my applications for the study abroad program (bye-bye 100 bucks…) and for the internship at LACMA. I am trying to cram alot of things this summer and if I am lucky, I will get to do them all.

3. I want to apply as an Admissions Associate in the Mount but I don’t think I have a good chance of getting it. But still, I will try.

4. Do you think I should continue my guitar class? It’s a hassle nowadays but I don’t want a big fat W on my record for a 1 unit elective class, ya? I should with Mr. Zaferes tomorrow…

5. Saw my lovely cousins Ambo and Ann today… I ran into Ambo in the bus… and then Ann at our street. Since we barely see each other these past YEAR, I am happy that I get to talk to them even for a while.

6. I have decided to stay at The Mount. Woohoohoohoo! Really. I have grown to love the place in a short period of time–and that is remarkable. I think the professors did it for me. They are just wonderful, stupendous geniuses that I could never pass up in a thousand years. Yes, they’re that good.

7. I will hopefully live on campus for Fall. There’s alot of things I want to do, including performing on stage. Watch out…..

8. Went to the Leadership Bootcamp last Saturday. I had tons of fun. Thanks everyone! I learned alot–including some valuable Sudoku techniques and great new acquaintances (I don’t make friends that easily, ya know).

I’ll give it a rest now. My self-centeredness is suffocating me. Sorry. Got to go. Zai Jian!

I know, I know… I’ve complained my ass off the last two or more posts. What can I say? I’m human. It’s easy for me to complain because I can blame other people for misery… of course, in reality, there is no one else to blame but me. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I shouldn’t let my current circumstances dampen my formerly soaring spirit. I am very insecure yet confident at times–uh no, I guess the right word is daring at times. Note the operative words "at times."

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In May, I will be leaving for somewhere… 14,000 miles east of California. Guess where it goes. It shall be revealed in due time. Why do I go there, you may ask. Uh, for college credits! Bwahahahaha! Yeah, B.A.’s have language requirements and I intend to fill that requirement with a 12 week rendezvous in asian territory. My parents are not too keen about the idea but they are very, very supportive so I have extremely happy about this. I will miss them though. Very much. For a sheltered kid like myself, 3 months away from your family is an awfully long time. So I guess I’m also gonna get some growing while I’m away. I may have felt kind of guilty if I will be the only one having fun this summer but my family is headed for Japan and the Philippines this Summer–woohoo! Everyone will be having fun! I kinda envy them though because I am also DYING to go to Japan and the Philippines. Alright, 2 asian countries down… so take your pick of the remaining ones and guess where I’m going! Woohoohoo…

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I renewed my passport today and I will get my new one on Monday. My picture is terrible. Hahaha…

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My post is scattered as usual, but don’t deny the presence of the lighter and happier aura surrounding this post–and your computer screen. Hahaha!

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Au revoir!

I like bubbles. I go ga-ga for them. Seeing them, or better, being surrounded by them makes me feel better even for a fleeting moment. So this is loneliness…

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I am fully aware of my situation and believe me (or not), I have taken both sides into consideration. On one side, I am just a spoiled bitch who is not capable of meaningful social interaction and turns the minutest slight into a reason for depression. I may be perceived as someone who is taking for granted what she has and that last part, I acknowledge. Like what I have said earlier, I know I don’t have it as bad as others but that does not mean I cannot hurt.

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On the other hand, I am a lonely child. I am not helpless but I am not too eager either. For some reason, despite my loneliness, I feel frighteningly calm. There are times when I freak out (on my worse days, you know) but most of the time, especially when no one is around to give me a reason to sulk, I feel, well, nothing.

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It scares me sometimes how I don’t feel any emotion at all. It may cause a sense of relief in me but I am later on overcome with panic because I’m afraid I’m turning numb. I mean, numb is not a very good state–unless you have a 3rd degree burn or you just had a caesarean operation. Okay, that joke was not funny but you get my point.

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Should I just give up? (No, suicide is never an option). I mean, should I just quit trying so hard? But come to think of it, I may have stopped trying a long time ago and I just don’t know it. Hearts have their breaking point, have I reached mine? It sucks… sucks… sucks… my only refuge is this blog and a couple o’ volumes of shojou (which by the way sucks me in further to insanity because of its all too idealistic and fantasy based plots–but I like it, what can I do? It’s my opiate).

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I want to be myself. So what if my life has no direction? So what if I am fickle? So what if I don’t know a shit? So what if I am trash? Do I really have to be worth something just so I can validate my existence and not feel lonely anymore? My life is pointless, I know. I can’t even point a general direction as to where I am headed. I am stuck in a dried up mudpit. Shit.

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Tired, tired, tired……. I haven’t done a thing but I’m tired. I am only 20 but I am giving up. Man, this sucks.

Little Girl Lost… that’s the title of Drew Barrymore’s published autobiography. I haven’t read it, nor do I plan to. I just relate to the title too much it’s ridiculous.

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I have been living here in America for the last 3 years and 10 months… and well, I pretty much get anything I want (things that I possibly can not have in the Philippines)… a laptop, an iPod, a job, a good school, a car, books that I won’t even read… I mean, materially, I am more than content. But on the other side, I still feel empty. What I left in the Philippines is my heart and my life. Except for my family, everything I have, know, and love is back home. I’d love to think that if I go home, I would feel alright again. That, I would get my old life back. But of course that is one big dream that will never come true. I’ve been here for a long enough time that things have already changed in the Philippines too. I know my friends back home still remember and love me, but things will never be the same–and that’s what I desperately want, to go back in them and just stay home to grow with them. We have grown apart, maybe not by choice, but we have. I know my friends are doing well and I am glad to know that. But there is a part of me that is green with envy. Sometimes I think, I am the one in America, I should be the one who’s having the best time… how come you guys have that happy smile I used to have myself and I don’t…

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Even though I know some people have it worse than I do, I still complain. I am STILL human after all. One time I asked myself, what is worse than being alone and being by yourself all the time? And I came up with an answer that is far more heartbreaking than I thought… What’s worse is to be surrounded by your family and those shiny, happy people all the time and you’re still alone.

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There are times when I just want to ask someone if they want to talk… even for 5 minutes… please talk to me. People just pass you by everyday. All they see is a girl eating Poptarts… what a laugh.

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I have no home for the moment. I am in a foreign land… and my former home is a foreign land now, too. Where do I go?