猫 Superstar

Need I say more?

—

Ciao.

Wei!

—

I spent the first 17 years of my life in the Philippines and for that 17 years, I have been exposed to Tagalog so I pretty much am a master of this language. Like most Filipinos. Even though there will always be that "gap" in our communication, I have no doubt in my mind that we are communicating effectively and understand what the speaker means with the slightest variation in pitch and intonation. Take for example… the question "Ano daw?" [What did he/she say?]. When said abruptly and fast with a low end, the person is actually really asking what someone said and most likely did not hear it properly the first time. But when said with the "no" in "Ano" is extended and that "daw" has a high pitch, the person is actually saying "what the hell did that person just say? I can’t believe he just said that! What do you think?" and the answer is almost always never a repetition of the "unheard" phrase but a commentary on what just happened. Jokes out of sounds and rhymes, double meanings, and all these things, it’s pretty hard to replicate–if possible. I am not bragging but I know my English. What I mean is, I can communicate effectively in English, write in English with the same precision as a native speaker, if not, better… If that’s not enough I got an A in my English 1 & 2, American Literature, and Contemporary Issues in Modern Literature… Hehe. My universe, MY bragging rights. BUT I can never make English jokes. I can understand them but unlike Filipino jokes that I can make in whatever situation I am in, I cannot seem to muster any courage to concoct a joke of my own… To think that I have been studying and speaking English my whole life too… And it’s been almost 4 years since I got here and I still haven’t caught on. Sad.

—

—

Now, even If I am to learn a NEW language and become fluent in it, what chance do I have that I will learn the idiosyncrasies of that language? Huh? And for that matter, how can I hope to communicate effectively with HIM?

—

—

I am losing hope fast. I seem to find problems everywhere I look and the harder I look, the bigger the problem. Goodness… So this is a test of my resolve, commitment, and courage. I never had any of those. How far do I go this time? Will I stop in the middle again and have to start all over–as always? I have messed up my life for a long time… because of lack of commitment, lack of courage, and a chronic case of temporary resolve. Will I live my life knowing that I played it TOO safe? Never took risks? OR will I come down in history as the person who took too many risks and is still lost at the age of 98?

—

—

What do I do? My dream is fading every second. BUT I still (at least I think) wanna go… Like I said, it all hangs in my conversation with Lydia and the financial aid office. God bless my confused soul! BUT is it justifiable that I trust the fate of my life with the decision of two people?

—

—

I have great ideas for a script for a movie or a mini-series. Inspired by my dreams of meeting my dream boy and the rest of my life with him… I promise you it’s funny… and maybe romantic… or crazy. But it’s all part of life, right? All these confusions and dread… emotions! I’ll get started on it soon, but I am still working on a good synopsis to base the whole story. Pretty much like a thesis statement, ya?

—

—

Xie xie for reading! Zai jian!

Should I take it on? See, that is the question that has been plaguing me these past few days and I am literally turning insane. I am losing sleep you know… I keep on re-playing my possible happy endings in MY dream world… note the operative word ‘MY.’

—

—

Goodness… I think it all hangs in my college’s financial aid office and advisement’s Lydia Castillo. Hahaha… You see, my decisions depend on what happens… pretty much last-minute decisions–and note: I always have a back-up plan or at least a back-up "justification" of my actions…

—

Take for example… if Lydia gives me the Go signal, I will withdraw my running for Chairperson in my college’s student body council, I will go ahead and spend a year in *toot* and learn *toot*. If successful, somehow, somewhere, a miracle would happen and I would end up being the most promising rising star of *toot* and eventually co-star with, erm, HIM… and he will fall in love with me–and it is a given that I am already in love with him (after all these troubles and you still doubt! Ahh, away with you Thomases!), and we’ll live happily ever after in *toot*. ON THE OTHER HAND, if Lydia says too late pumpkin, well, I will stay in the Mount and rot. Maybe get a job after I graduate. The end. So what do you think?

—

—

I mean, yeah, it is all too impossible… but as some important person said, if you can imagine it, then it is possible… and I am more than imagining these things, it drives me, it’s more than a mere illusion… God help me. Help me. Desperation alert. Sense the strong need my love!

—

—

So, what’s your opinion on my life’s game plan? Can’t you identify with my current drive to just go out there and experience all the mild craziness that my choices will get me into? At least my resources tells me so…

—

—

Doo-doo-doot-doot-doo! Yuu makes my heart melt! As always, my love goes to you. Ciao, baby, ciao. Until a decision gets made… or a scatterbrain attack…

Should I put my life on hold all for the sake of getting one step closer towards an impossible dream purely based on fantasy? Not to mention costing me no less than 20 grand?

—

—

It’s like planning to live in America for a year–and learning English with the hope that somehow I would cross paths with Brad Pitt and the two of us will live happily ever after… Sigh…

—

—

What have I become? An almost 21 year old college student behaving like a 14 year old in the peak of puberty… Calvin, I need your advice! *Calvin: Stop whining you big baby! Go soak your head!* **Katherine: Aye. Duly noted. Will do.**

—

—

What difference will the road less travelled do for me?

—

—

Kazaam! **bzzzzzzzttt!!!** I’m off.

After many years of guarding my oh-so-gullible heart, I easily fell for a Taiwanese actor. How is this possible? I blame youtube!!! So yeah… I am currently under the spell of this unreachable man… I read a quote somewhere that said, "Shoot for the moon, if you miss, you’ll land among the stars." Well guess what, I don’t the stars! I want the moon and if I did want a star, I’d shoot for it. And for that matter, what if I shoot for the stars, is there a big possibility that if I miss I’ll land on the moon? huh? huh?

—

—

My apologies. My meds are not doing that much for me.

—

—

The semester is almost over and I can’t wait to leave that college–at least for 3 months. I’m afraid that I have lost my ambitions and wants. I couldn’t care less where I would go for college nor would I feel a tinge of happiness if Yale or Stanford admits me…  I even have lost my interest on material things… could you believe that?

—

—

I just pray I get over this soon. I am also sick. Probably from camping in the dusty corner of my room and the similarly dusty comforters that I used. I slept in that corner for two nights and never touched my bed. For those 3 days and 2 nights, my bed was lie the plague. But last night, after I felt that my allergy/flu is getting worse, I reconciled with my bed and in turn gave me a good, comfortable, and peaceful sleep. Not to mention some dreams I had about calculating dates in the calendar and the face of my beloved Yuu…

—

—

So am I still flying for Mainland on May? most probably. I did cut my trip short though. It started with 12, then 8, and now 4. It’s because I had to take extra classes in the community college–don’t wanna waste time, ya know.

—

—

Oh yeah, that’s all I have to say. Bye.